My underwear smells like fireworks.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
