Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
