Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
