I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Mom said you looked used
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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