Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
