I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
