I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
