In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
