It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
