my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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