Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
