Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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