Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
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There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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