This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
