WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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