i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
