She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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