I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
