She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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