Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
FUCK WHALES
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
