Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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