There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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