3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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