I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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