the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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