Fine. I'll sleep in my office
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Randomize
