I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
