my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
