I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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