I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
