Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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