I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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