That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
