I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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