OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
