Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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