Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
