she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
