Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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