i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You're earring is so big in my mouth
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
