I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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