New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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