Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Randomize
