I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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