i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize