i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
