Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
