its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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