Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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