i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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