I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
