and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
