i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
