his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
