I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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