Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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