Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
