I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol