tell your sister to shave her snatch
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.