The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups