chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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